This morning upon waking, I had extreme feelings of sadness and despair. I laid there for a long time, crying and wallowing in self pity and dwelling on things and thinking it was a hopeless situation and that the only thing that would make it better would be to cut myself. During this episode I was utterly convinced there was no hope for me.
I scared myself. As a result I text someone close to me asking them to keep an eye on me today because I felt that I was not doing well. They came to check on me and seemed very concerned. I asked them to dispose of the instrument with which I intended to do the cutting with. Afterward I felt awful for causing them such concern. I also don't want them to have a different opinion because of this. I live in fear that I may be driving them away. I love them a great deal and cannot imagine my life without them. They have been very instrumental in my healing process.
This journey that I am on is sometimes so difficult that I loose sight of where I am. I become overwhelmed with emotions that I don't understand and can't seem to focus on anything else. I keep wanting to go back and be the "George" I was before the abuse and before being incarcerated. Before the PTSD, anxiety, & the occasional panic attack. I look back at all the horrible experiences that I have had to endure and then I look at where I am now and become filled with such pride. I am very thankful to a close friend of mine for opening my eyes and making me realize that this journey was indeed possible. The new year brings with it the knowledge that I can never be that "George" again. I can only be the best I can be from this point forward.
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