I was taken over by a wave of emotions the other day. I felt as if I was a surfer knocked off his surfboard by a tidal wave, swimming blindly against the current. I came to the realization that the effects of my abuse will be life long. I suffer from anxiety for which there is no cure, only treatment.It's this permanence that I found staggering. I know of few things to be so permanent in life.The abuse inflicted upon me by my abuser will be with me until the day I die.I can never escape it.There is no freedom, only momentary serenity.I will spend the rest of my life battling with myself. He haunts me from behind the bars of a WI state prison and he will continue to haunt me after his death.If I were to be placed on anti-anxiety medication I would only think of him and the abuse I endured every time I put that pill into my mouth.There is no way to fix what is broken you can only make it better. It is irreversible. He took away my ability to go back to the way I once was. The power in this is deeply disturbing to me. I talked with a close friend and survivor and asked her how she deals with this. She made it clear to me that it is up to me how I let this affect the rest of my life. Do I fight every day to make it better or do I throw my hands up and give in and essentially let him win.I'm forced to climb back up upon the surf board even though I'll never reach the shore, I can only to wait for the next wave to hit.
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteDon't write off medication as something that will not help. It has helped me greatly, even though I have never gone through anything so bad as you have. But it has made it so I can live my life normally, without lying in fear every night, and every time my family does not answer the phone right away, or every time I log onto my bank account. And maybe medication is not the way for you always, it can help. That or talking. Either way, I am here for you.