Advancement

As I sit here at my new local cafe admiring the physical beauty of males passing by in the reflection of my laptop, I'm filled with a sense of calm and contentment.

I recently moved out of the cooperative housing situation that I had been an integral part of since 2006 here in Madison, WI.

I chose to remove myself from an unsafe living environment, instead of fighting to stay in a situation where I was unwanted. I received two threatening and transphobic (my drag persona is The Lady G) text messages. After having filed a police report, I'm shocked by the depths that people will go to make someone uncomfortable.

I willingly accept responsibility for and have learned from the mistakes I made. I only hope that I'm not the only individual who learned something from this horrible and terrifying experience and the fight for social justice continues.This is the only thing that will make it all worthwhile.

I'm enjoying the freedom of not being forced to be a part of someone's life that I wouldn't be willingly. I feel so much better about not being forced to interact with people who I find loathsome. Likewise, they are no longer forced to be a part of my life.

I'm truly free to live my life as myself. Just the thought of this brings a smile to my face. 

My experience at the Phoenix Cooperative House

Homophobia as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary is a irrational
fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or
homosexuals.

Incident #1:

Last summer the Membership Coordinator Amanda Geske asked me if I
would take chalk and place an advertisement for the openings we had on
the front sidewalk. She instructed me to use the exact wording from
our website so that there would not be any inconsistencies. I did as
she asked. One evening I was out on the front porch with Ian and Rhea
and Ken came directly over to me and stood uncomfortably close to me
and asked me in a authoritative tone if I was the one who had placed
the advertisement on the front sidewalk.Anyone in the house could have
placed that advertisement on the front sidewalk. I feel as if Ken saw
the wording which contained LGBTQ and assumed I had been the one who
had done it. I was not involved in the creation of that wording
whatsoever.I was not promoting anything nor was I trying to provoke
anyone. I was simply doing as the Membership Coordinator had
instructed me.I was extremely frightened and was shaking, I was
instantly thrust into survival mode. I told him that if he had a
problem with the advertisement that the person he should talk to was
Amanda. Rhea and Ian stood there silently. When Ken left and went back
inside. Both Ian and Rhea apologized to me for not responding to his
aggressive behavior.

Incident #2:

In 2000, President Bill Clinton proclaimed June to be Gay and Lesbian
Pride Month in the United States. Last summer I hung a rainbow
windsock from our patio awning in celebration of Gay and Lesbian Pride
Month. I was standing on the front porch with both Brit and Brittany
and Ken asked me if I had been the one who had hung the rainbow
windsock from the patio awning. I replied yes. Both Brit and Brittany
are queer individuals and it is possible that they themselves could
have hung up the rainbow windsock for the very same reason I had. Ken
however did not ask them he instead directly asked me. I was not
trying to promote anything or provoke anyone. I was simply celebrating
Gay and Lesbian Pride Month which a leader of our country had created
in the home in which I live. Given the negative responses I have
received from the sidewalk advertisement and the windsock I have been
made to feel as if any outward display of anything LGBTQ in nature is
unacceptable in my very own home. I have since removed all items LGBTQ
in nature that I own from common areas except for the windsock because
I feel that these items provoke a negative response from Ken which
makes me feel unsafe to express my queer identity in my very own home.
I re-hung the windsock only because Cori Mattli had requested me to.

Incident #3

I arrived home from celebrating Chicago PrideFest with Jeff Rolling a
former queer member of the house on Monday, I had left that previous
Saturday. Sometime afterward I was on the front porch relaxing and
thoroughly enjoying my day when once again Ken walks up to me and
stands uncomfortably close to me and in the same authoritative tone
asks me if I was the one who had switched the light switch cover in
the fist floor common area or living/dinning room. He was very
obviously upset and expressed his discomfort with the new light switch
plate cover and said that he was going to immediately remove it and
replace it with the previous light switch cover. Once again I was made
to feel unsafe, I was shaking with fear and in survival mode. I told
him I was not the one who had changed the light switch cover. Once
again I feel Ken linked me to an item which he perceived as homosexual
in nature and the nature of this item made him very uncomfortable. I
went inside to discover a light switch cover with the statue of David
on it with the light switch protruding from the statue's pelvic area.
Obviously simulating a penis. I had been in Chicago from that previous
Saturday until that previous Monday and so it is highly unlikely I
could have been the one to have switched the light switch plate cover
given I was in another state entirely over that entire weekend. I
later found out that a heterosexual male had actually replaced the
light switch cover. I had no involvement whatsoever with the purchase
or placement of this item.

After this encounter with Ken I went to Picnic Point. I go there when
I feel emotionally upset because it's beautiful there and it calms me.
I was upset because it is the behavior like Ken has displayed that
causes millions of queer individuals across the globe to take their
own lives. They are made to feel unsafe and unworthy of existing
because of  behavior like this. I was also upset because I know that
there is no way possible I could save them all. I'm loosing people in
my community everyday because of behavior like this and I feel
helpless. The only way I know to combat behavior like this is to
continue existing as the proud queer individual that I am.

I would also like to add that I feel unsafe in my own home because of
this behavior. I live here in fear. Several heterosexual males have
told me that Ken would never physically hurt anyone and that I
shouldn't be worried. They are not homosexual and therefore have no
way of knowing the extent of the fear I experience as a queer
individual.

It is because of my experiences with Ken, without hesitation,
associating me with LGBTQ or homosexual perceived items with which I
have had little or no involvement and how they cause him great
discomfort that I believe the above definition of homophobia applies
to the behavior he has displayed.

Looking Good Feeling Gorgeous

http://youtu.be/vnbdTF3_myM

I made the Dean's List with a 3.75. Despite everything I went through this semester. I couldn't be more proud of myself. I took the letter I received notifying me and gave it to a close friend of mine who motivated me to go back to school and I hung it on his fridge. He was so proud of me.

He said he noticed that I was exuding confidence and how that it is an attractive quality. I would have to agree I feel as if I'm looking good and feeling gorgeous.

Look out fellas! ;)

Transcending obstacles

This is off topic but due to recent experiences I'm very motivated to write about this and share it with people in hopes that I will inspire at least one individual to really think deeply about it.

I want to talk about transcending social class. I come from disadvantaged and low income background. I grew up on the streets of Beloit WI and moved later to Rockford after my physical and sexual abuse experience. These are city's that most people avoid on their travels. They are urban enviroments with predomiantly lower income families and individuals. They also have higher crime rates than most cities surrounding them. I grew up in this environment. I learned how to survive in this environment. I didn't give it a second thought. I did what most people surrounding me did, get a job. Try to make enough money to enjoy life and to survive.

I moved to Madison WI in 2006. I moved into a Madison Community Coopertaive. Here for the first time I was exposed to and was living with people from different social class backgrounds. People who had parents who went to college and had careers and a substantial amount of money. They themselves many of them, were attending the local big ten university. I was in awe. I thought this was an amazing experience. Me hobnobbing with the likes of them, it blew my mind.They spoke so eloquently and intelligently about topics I had never even been exposed to. They had traveled to places I had only read about and dreamed of visiting.

I allowed myself to be consumed with jealousy and anger. I also was still suppressing any and all feelings about my physical and sexual abuse. I wound up in jail to be followed by probation. I received a felony. This to most is unthinkable and unimaginable. To me it was life. Many people I had know for years growing up and later in Rockford had arrest records. It didn't seem foreign or unfamiliar for me. Logically I thought I would eventually have one as well and I do. This is due to social class stratification.

When I moved into the Phoenix I was on probation and really concentrating on becoming the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be like the people around me with whom I was living with and admired. This would involve transcending my social class. For the first time since living in Madison I lived with another queer male at the Phoenix. I don't know how to put into words the relief and sense of comradery I felt. He is an amazing person. He saw something in me. He sat me down before moving out and asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I honestly was unsure. I felt defeated and helpless because of my experiences. He quite plainly and calmly suggessted going to college. I remember instinctfully laughing out loud at this absolutely preposterous idea. I honestly thought that it was only an option for him and the others like him that I was so privledged to live with. I didn't even think it was a possibility for me.

I explored this idea after lots of urging from him and other housemates that I lived with. They even willingly helped me navigate the enrollment process. Which I found quite overwhelming by the way. I am very lucky and grateful to have these people in my life and I hope that I show that. My one regret in life would be that the people I loved had no idea how deeply I cared for them.

I've been attending college at Madison Area Technical College now and the semester is almost finished. I have A's & A-B's and couldn't be more proud of myself. Something I once thought was impossible, I have achieved.

I'm in the Human Services Associate program. I've learned a lot about society and it's nuances. I've learned that I overcame social barriers to transcend class and be where I'm at today. I have also learned though that the college I attend is still yet attributed to a different social class then the big ten university that they attend. I don't think it's something to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about or to even place blame. It's just something that should be recognized.

Everything we do and make decisions about from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed are influenced greatly by social class. Everything from the clothing we decide to wear, the food we choose to eat, the people we are friends with, the recreational activities that we participate in. They are all influenced by class. I dress differently than my housemates. I eat food that comforts me because I grew up eating it essentially it  was what was attainable for my social class. I am friends with people I'm comfortable with because they are within my social class. People from different social class backgrounds enjoy different recreational activities not because of their enjoyment for them because of their accessibility. I for one would love to kayak,go rock climbing, biking, or even camping. All of these activities seem commonplace to many but that is because they have the resources to obtain the equipment necessary to participate in these activities.

I want you to think next time you make a decision to think about why your making that decision. Do you feel uncomfortable talking to the person next to you standing at the bus stop. Is it possibly because they do not appear to come from your same social class background.Social stratification is designed to keep you within your class by making you uncomfortable with interacting with people outside your social class background. The people you find attractive, do you find them attractive because they are representative of your social class background. It could be even that they are different from you in some other way and that's why you are uncomfortable interacting with them such as sexual orientation, ethnicity, gender. Think about this before you make your decision. Think about how that other person feels when you make these decisions. I'm just as guilty for making these mistakes but I try diligently to recognize them before I make my decision. I only ask that you put forth the effort.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

I have serious trust issues due to my sexual and physical abuse experience. Regardless of the fact that I am queer I am a man. I blame myself for what happened to me. I'm effeminate, short and stick thin. I blame myself for not being able to defend myself against my abuser. I am a man I should have been able to defend myself. I believe that because I made myself vulnerable I was hurt. I'm not close to anyone in my family and I'm not close to friends. I don't make friends either others usually have to initiate this process. This is all because I don't want to make myself vulnerable because there is a chance I could get badly hurt again. Even though I recognize this, it will take immense amounts of work and time to overcome. I've seen a Dr. and have been put on Prozac I also attend a support group on Tuesday nights for queer male survivors of abuse. I want nothing more than to become the best person I can be. I think it's my spirit and will to survive that draws people to me and makes me a rememorable person when you meet me. I want to be able to trust myself enough to free my spirit.

To conquer oneself is the best and noblest victory; to be vanquished by one's own nature is the worst and most ignoble defeat.

I was taken over by a wave of emotions the other day. I felt as if I was a surfer knocked off his surfboard by a tidal wave, swimming blindly against the current. I came to the realization that the effects of my abuse will be life long. I suffer from anxiety for which there is no cure, only treatment.It's this permanence that I found staggering. I know of few things to be so permanent in life.The abuse inflicted upon me by my abuser will be with me until the day I die.I can never escape it.There is no freedom, only momentary serenity.I will spend the rest of my life battling with myself. He haunts me from behind the bars of a WI state prison and he will continue to haunt me after his death.If I were to be placed on anti-anxiety medication I would only think of him and the abuse I endured every time I put that pill into my mouth.There is no way to fix what is broken you can only make it better. It is irreversible. He took away my ability to go back to the way I once was. The power in this is deeply disturbing to me. I talked with a close friend and survivor and asked her how she deals with this. She made it clear to me that it is up to me how I let this affect the rest of my life. Do I fight every day to make it better or do I throw my hands up and give in and essentially let him win.I'm forced to climb back up upon the surf board even though I'll  never reach the shore, I can only to wait for the next wave to hit.

In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer -Albert Camus

This morning upon waking, I had extreme feelings of sadness and despair. I laid there for a long time, crying and wallowing in self pity and dwelling on things and thinking it was a hopeless situation and that the only thing that would make it better would be to cut myself. During this episode I was utterly convinced there was no hope for me.

I scared myself. As a result I text someone close to me asking them to keep an eye on me today because I felt that I was not doing well. They came to check on me and seemed very concerned. I asked them to dispose of the instrument with which I intended to do the cutting with. Afterward I felt awful for causing them such concern. I also don't want them to have a different opinion because of this. I live in fear that I may be driving them away. I love them a great deal and cannot imagine my life without them. They have been very instrumental in my healing process.  

This journey that I am on is sometimes so difficult that I loose sight of where I am. I become overwhelmed with emotions that I don't understand and can't seem to focus on anything else.  I keep wanting to go back and be the "George" I was before the abuse and before being incarcerated. Before the PTSD, anxiety, & the occasional panic attack. I look back at all the horrible experiences that I have had to endure and then I look at where I am now and become filled with such pride. I am very thankful to a close friend of mine for opening my eyes and making me realize that this journey was indeed possible. The new year brings with it the knowledge that I can never be that "George" again. I can only be the best I can be from this point forward.